Indifferent

If you're naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don't like.
William Feather

Do you wanna know what is funny about me? I have a tough exterior to some people, some people think I’m straight forward and probably would say down right mean.

But I know there is a pretty large group that could argue the opposite, I’d walk to the ends of the earth for them, I’d sacrifice whatever was necessary for them.

You could ask my patients about me and I bet they’d be willing to agree with my kindness, ask the families who 3 years later we’re still exchanging emails and photos of their babies I’ve delivered.

Sometimes I am so busy taking care of everyone else, that I’m not taking care of me…..

This week has been a week of a lot of reflection and a lot of prayer. I’ve been asked if I’m hurting or if I’m angry by many people this week, The more I’ve thought it over, the more I’ve realized, I’m just indifferent.

I sit amongst a group of people who I used to call my friends, people who I spent a lot of time with, who I shared things with, and now I realize that I’m not their friend any longer… When I realized that I wasn’t sad at all, my realization was more so, wow was I like that before? I sure hope not.

I’m happy where I am at now, I’m happy that I’m not tied up in the he said she said, keeping secrets from the other one, trying to play devils advocate for the friend who’s backstabbing the other friend.

On Monday when I came home from northern Arizona, I spent so much time in prayer. It was just what I needed to really make some healthy hearty decisions about my life. I love to take road trips, especially road trips alone because that time is spent on the road with your thoughts.

I’ve spent time in prayer this week deciding if I was going to have some uncomfortable conversations with some of these friends, however I haven’t been led to the decision to do so. Instead I’ve been moved to just walk away. I will not have that conversation, I will just remove them from my life.

Wouldn’t it be easy to just hit a delete button on certain aspects of our lives? I had this pseudo crush on someone who said to me this week he didn’t want to have kids, DELETE, literally that is what I thought in my mind. DELETE, not wasting any time on you anymore. See, there is that mean side that I’m sure your thinking, sheesh she is harsh, but really I’m not. It’s just come down to, not living that life anymore… There are so many takers in this world, I need to surround myself with the people who will help fill me back up when I am empty.

Life changes, situations change, things aren’t always ideal, and sometimes, just sometimes you may be the only one who sees the forest through the trees. Luckily you can dodge some pretty big branches when you see the whole forest.