Another chapter "Dating the friend"

Dating THE Friend

my age: sometime in my adult life lol

his age: sometime in his adult life lol

where: Chandler, Arizona

People often think dating friends are a good idea however in hindsight it is not such a good idea because in the end you lose your lover and your friend.

This guy and I had a brief stint at trying to date versus being friends. We had known each other awhile and had one of those days of hanging out where it just seemed more comfortable than usual, and one thing led to another and we attempted to advance our relationship to more than friends. We had one of those stay up all night talks and it was awesome.

I do a lot of journaling as well as my blogging, here is a brief excerpt of what I journaled in regards to the demise of my relationship with him:

I miss you, I miss coming home from work and knowing that your going to be there for me to chat with. I miss texting silly random things through out the day, and I miss getting pictures from you about random things you see throughout your day.

We may not have had a long relationship “situation” but what we had was good. What I don’t understand is what changed your mind… I keep racking my brain to when the change in you began and the only thing I can think of is when I asked you if I could go out on dates with other people. I didn’t know where we were at the time and though I thought I’d be honest and let you know I had been asked out, I now realized that, that was the one time that honestly clearly was not the best policy.

We had a lot of fun times together, and we got along well… You mentioned that it was your insecurity that changed things, what do you have to be insecure about?

You told me more then once that we were on the same page, so when did you turn the page?

So it was a brief thing lasting no more then a month however it was good while it lasted, I can’t say that it ended bad either, we just decided one night over sushi that it wasn’t going anywhere (not from my lack of trying) so we said heck let’s just end it while we’re ahead. Of COURSE we vowed we’d remain friends however things definitely didn’t end that way. It became awkward because I still had some pretty strong feelings for him and I think he knew it, so it was odd to try to be in contact with him. Maybe through time the weirdness will lesson, and we will regain that closeness that we once had.

So lesson learned from this guy: Don’t try to date your friends, because in the end you end up empty handed and hurt.

The Marine

(Another "chapter" of my book)

The Marine

my age at the time: 15-17 & 18-19

his age at the time: 18-20 & 21-22

where: Chandler, Az

Ahhhh the Marine, My one true love, The one who “got away” or I should say the one I “cut loose” The Marine and I met standing outside of a friends house and he was walking by with friends, he lived a few houses away. We hit it off instantly. We met in May and he was leaving for boot camp that September, he was my first true love. It was a whirlwind romance and a wonderful summer. That summer consisted of lazy days at the pool, laying around watching Top Gun (our favorite movie), listening to Chicago and taking drives side by side in his old Ford.

The song by Brian Adams “ Summer of 69” completely takes me back to that summer.

Oh when I look back now
That summer seemed to last forever
And if I had the choice
Yeah - I'd always wanna be there
Those were the best days of my life

We were so in love and we spent every single day together. He left for boot camp and I wrote him every single day. Not a day passed that I wasn’t heart broken that he was gone. His step mother turned into a crazy pants and became incessantly jealous of our relationship. That was my first taste of the dreaded “mother of a son” syndrome, taking her baby away from her!

After boot camp he would come home every possible weekend he got leave. I also went there to visit him, now looking back I’m not sure how I was able to go there, considering I had the strictest parents around, however they seemed to always bend the rules for me.

Once I turned 17 I broke up with him to date someone that I went to high school with because I felt like I was missing out on something. The Marine was amazing and said to me “I love you, and so I will let you go date other people, but I will not date anyone because I will not be being true to my heart” He was going to wait for me. We remained very close friends for that year, and we started dating again once I turned 18.

That summer we rekindled our love and had another amazing summer. While in the Marines he was stationed in Japan, times got tough between us but we made it work, we were so young and so “in love”. He came home for leave from Japan and we were watching Top Gun on the couch and he turned to me and said “Do you want to get married” I was so excited! The next day we went to the jeweler and I got to design my “dream ring” About a week later he officially proposed to me with the ring of my dreams. I was in heaven with the man of my dreams. He returned to Japan, and I was left alone to begin making wedding plans.

It was at that time that I went to Kansas City, Missouri on a VICA conference and I met 2 people that changed my life, “Mr. National President” and “The DJ”. The DJ and I became fast friends and soon best friends, he became my sounding board when things began to get rocky. The Marine began to live a wild lifestyle while stationed in Japan, and I was beginning to have my doubts.

He returned to the States in February, we had planned to get married the following October 11th. His mother and I greeted him at the airport gate, I hadn’t seen him in almost a year! I was so utterly excited to have him home because I thought that would fix my doubts. When he got off the plane, he hugged his mother first, NOT his fiancé! I was so hurt. Once in the car on the drive back home he sat up front with his mom, not in the backseat with me as he had before. We had a huge dinner planned that night for him at his house, there was at least 20 people there. At the end of dinner as people began to clear the plates, he said “put those down, Brittney will do it, it’s her job” Yes, you read that correctly, he stated it was my job. I knew he had been in a foreign country but did he honestly think I was going to be submissive here? Well because I didn’t want to cause a scene, I cleaned the kitchen. Shortly after I escaped to the bedroom to call The DJ, he told me to stand up for myself and leave, of course I didn’t. A few more similar episodes like that transpired, until finally The DJ convinced me to leave one day. I returned home to my parents, discussed things with them and called The Marine and told him it was over. He tried for a while to get me back but at that time I had turned to The DJ and was beginning to fall for him.

The next year, The Marine was in Vegas on vacation, he met a stripper got her pregnant, got married and became a grandfather all in a matter of months, yes I said grandfather, the woman was SEVERAL years older then him.

I ran into him while I was visiting someone in Flagstaff a few years later, and it was the MOST uncomfortable situation, I had heard he was miserable with this woman, that she forbid him contact with friends and family. Well he certainly didn’t act like a happily married man. It broke my heart a little bit to see his life turn out that way.

I can’t tell you how many times I have thought “what if” I probably would have had my ranch home with my 6 babies, who knows how happy I would have truly been.

However, I will always think of him as my true love, and the one I cut loose.

Stellan

This sweet baby boy Stellan was discharged from Boston Children’s Hospital today! Praise God for his health, and for all of your prayers!

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

Philippians 4:4

Prayers for Kayleigh and her family

Please pray for Kayleigh and her family, Kayleigh under went major surgery last week and although it appeared she was waking up from her anesthesia, she didn’t, several EEG’s have pronounced her brain dead. This sweet precious baby who was born 3 months early has beat all the odds, and is currently 10 months old, she was born weighing only 1 pound and now is over 9 pounds. Please pray that her family find the guidance they need to make the right decisions for their family and that they will be embraced in peace by the Lord.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

God List

Thanks to my good friend Rachael I am writing a “God List” because I have had SOOOOOO many countless failed relationships in my lifetime, I decided I need to create a list of things I desire in a man and pray on it daily… I have been praying on it since last night, I have a long list of things I desire in a man.. Sometimes I wonder if we set our expectations to high, or if perhaps it is necessary to find a man worthy enough to give myself to.

For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

Matthew 7:8

Have not I commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

—Joshua 1:9

How comforting it is to know that wherever we go God is there with us. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations and we wonder if God is there, is he even paying attention to what we are currently going through? We may feel so alone and even depressed. We can't feel God's presence, and we need His guidance and help. Sometimes it may seem like no one understands what your feeling or what your going through. Sometimes you don’t want someone to call you up and say “what’s going on” because to explain it to someone else isn't possible, or you fear they will down play what your feeling. But your not really alone, for HE is there HE cares. God told Joshua to be strong and to have courage. Then He told him a wonderful truth: "The Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Yes, that's right… wherever! We don't have to feel all alone. God is with us. He is working out the problems, and we don't even realize it.

O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand-up. You know my every thought when far away. You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment you know where I am. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord. You both precede and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to know!

—Psalms 139:1-6

Dating……"The Detroit Drunk"

Some of you may know I have always joked about writing a book about my past relationships because they were very informative and some even comical. I figured that I would title each chapter with the name or the pseudonym of the individual.. Well I was thinking today that I could begin to blog about them instead… Hmmmm now which one to pick, it’s a tough call, but I guess the first one that pops into my mind is the Detroit drunk!

Detroit Drunk

my age at the time: 29-30

his age at the time: 29-30

where: Chandler, Az

The Detroit drunk and I met on eHarmony, we were match several months prior to actually meeting in person, he worked as a paramedic and I at the hospital, so it was tough to coordinate schedules, and it was a busy time for me traveling. We emailed for months and finally agreed to meet in person. He picked me up at my house which is a first for me because usually I don’t allow people to know where I live, but I dug him and he seemed harmless. We went to Jerseys for our first date… Hmmm do you think at that moment it would have hit me, hey he took me to a bar on our first date? It was fun though, it was back in the day when you could smoke inside bars, so we smoked and drank and had a good time. In talking we learned that his room mate is friends and co workers with someone I had known for about 7 years, later in the evening we went to his house and watched Top Gun, he then drove me home. I remember that he called me morning noon and night to chit chat or hang out.. I wasn’t in any rush to begin dating so I held him at bay for awhile.. I lesson now I need to follow because it seems to work so much better then being available all the time for the guy. Fast forward a month and we were officially dating. We dated 11 months total, it was 3 months of good and 8 months of bad. I had a few good experiences with him, sometimes he seemed to really be sweet and care about me, but what I learned about him was he was leading a double life, he was saying and doing one thing on the surface and doing another behind closed doors. He has an excessive drinking problem, and an addiction to sex, i.e. pornography, chat rooms, web cams etc. It is sad a disappointing to think of how someone can completely trick you into believing he is someone he isn’t. I also spent the worst 10 days of my life in Michigan with this guy, meeting his family because he and I had spoken of a long term future together… Whew, I dodged a bullet with that one……

What I can say I learned through this is situation is you have to follow your gut instinct, you have to do what your intuition is telling you. I believed that because I was in love that meant I needed to forgive his infidelity, what that really told him is “wow this girl loves me so much she will forgive my cheating, so hmm I might as well keep doing it.” WRONG, just because your a Christian and in love with someone doesn’t mean you are obligated to forgiveness. Did I love this person, yes I did, I loved him with all that I was, however his infidelity diminished any love that I had felt for him.

Please don't leave me

So I have been digging this song, then I saw the video today lol, sorta creepy but I still love the song, because it's so true.... The intense fighting and intense loving etc....Don't forget to pause my music player before you play the video!

Taking it as it comes…..

For we walk by faith, not by sight

2 Corinthians 5:7

Things aren’t always in our control… Things may happen that we don’t like or desire, however they still happen… Sometimes things happen like you begin to feel something that you don’t have control over whether it’s a good something or a bad something.. Perhaps your heart may begin to grow for someone, or perhaps your heart may stop feeling something for someone. Sometimes we open our mouths and say things we don’t mean but we know logically it’s what is best…

It’s hard to NOT be in control of things, it’s hard when your not the one in charge of how things go…

If we WERE in control of things, would we do things differently? If you knew it was the last time you were going to see someone, would you memorize every curve of their face, the light in their eyes?

If we WERE in control would you change how people felt about you, on the chance that you’d alter your true fate?

If we WERE in control, what would we believe in, WHO would we believe in?

For me, I may not like the course, but I will walk by faith and not by sight… For I know HE has great plans for me, although it may not make sense to me now, it will further down the path of my life….

1 year ago today

If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,

Then will you do what must be done,
For this -- the last battle -- can't be won.

You will be sad I understand,
But don't let grief then stay your hand,

For on this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship must stand the test.

We have had so many happy years,
You wouldn't want me to suffer so.

When the time comes, please, let me go.
Take me to where to my needs they'll tend,

Only, stay with me till the end
And hold me firm and speak to me

Until my eyes no longer see.
I know in time you will agree

It is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,

From pain and suffering I have been saved.
Don't grieve that it must be you
Who has to decide this thing to do;

We've been so close -- we two -- these years,
Don't let your heart hold any tears.

One year ago today I came home from work in the morning to find my precious Molly Madison lethargic and bleeding from her mouth, I wrapped her up in my blanket and rushed her to the hospital. She was severely dehydrated and after a day of testing we found out she was in renal failure. No words can describe the grief I carry as a result of not knowing that my first born cat was in renal failure and I didn’t recognize the signs and symptoms. Danielle and I had to make the tough decision to put our sweet Molly Madison down. She was the first cat I ever had, I got her on my 21st birthday, she was a rescue kitten as someone threw her and her siblings away in a dumpster. We miss our Molly Madison dearly.

She was cremated and sits in the family room with us until we are ready to burry her. The hospital made little paw prints for us.

“The baby”

22 years ago “The baby” was born. Oh what a joyous day it turned out to be. “The baby” was a subsequent pregnancy 11 months after the loss of our sweet brother. We waited in anticipation to meet “The baby” for 9 long months. Of course she didn’t make her entrance gracefully, she came in with a vengeance, demanding a crash section because she didn’t tolerate the labor process! The long awaited arrival of “The baby” finally was complete, she was here, born at 10 in the evening we rejoiced that she and mom were doing well… From that moment on she changed our lives. She was this precious little “weda” child we didn’t know who she looked like or where she came from, but she took our lives by storm!

This sweet child was very interesting.. She would have to “smell” people before she decided if it was ok for them to touch her or come near her, she insisted that our parents wake us up in the middle of the night because she didn’t feel well and wanted all her sisters around. One time while driving in the car, we heard this little munchkin voice begin speaking and we heard the most profound thing, “Touch the spindle, TOUCH IT I SAY!!!!, you poor simple fool, thinking you could deceive me” and she continued to recite scenes from Sleeping Beauty. We knew at that moment she wasn’t an ordinary 2 year old, we had something magnificent on our hands… Of course we were right and she grew up to do amazing things, she has the ability to master anything she put her mind to. She graduated high school and turned down several scholarships all over the country to attend Santa Clara University where she graduated with a double major in only 3 years. “The baby” recently got engaged as well as was accepted into graduate school at Arizona State University. She is one of the most dynamic people I have ever met. She also commonly serves as my walking encyclopedia, whenever I have a question about something I just call her up and she tells me the answer, pretty similar to the way some people would google something, I just ask “The baby”!

“The baby” is turning 22 today!

Happy Birthday Bethany,

I love you more then you will ever know, and I praise Him for giving you to us!

Need help!

Ok I need some sincere advice here, and I don’t want the answer “Live and let live, or this is the circle of life” Ok, this is serious!

As most of you know we moved to south Chandler, and we back up to the San Tan Mountain, as a result we have all sorts of fun critters inside our house! Last week there was a bird inside our house!

Ok here is the question, we have lizards inside the house some are small about 3 inches all the way up to the big 21 incher I had a few weeks ago. Sometimes I can catch them and get them outside but otherwise like last night we couldn’t catch it, and now I don’t know where it is! I need suggestions how do we prevent them from coming inside our home, I tried to Google options and mostly I got the following answers:

1. Get a cat… Umm we have 2 and clearly they are useless

2. Live and let live they are harmless…. Totally disgusting who wants lizards running around the house?

3. They are good for the house they kill the bugs…. That is why we have an exterminator….

So I need some real suggestions please!!!

Easter Dinner

We had Easter dinner at my parents, our usual tradition! We all got together and hung out. Here are some pictures of our day!

Per Bethany’s request we had a traditional Easter dinner smoked ribs for dinner, potato salad, grilled corn on the cob, pasta salad and biscuits! It was really good. We are having our traditional Easter dinner of Ham and scalloped potatoes next Saturday for Bethany’s birthday celebration.

My weekend started off with my mom and I going to Tucson to visit my cousin and her babies. We got there around lunch time and my cousin Megan and I sat around having some much needed girl talk, and watched the boys playing. The boys are Kyler 5, Kaden 4 (my godson), Keagan 2, and Miss Kinzie 1 (the princess).

Kyler and Keagan

Keagan and I

The sweetest little baby in the whole wide world!

Then we all went out to dinner, it was a fun time being at dinner with the kids, and then there was a creepy guy there who was eyeing me, so we decided I would just pretend to be their nanny, it was funny. Then all the kids fell asleep on the car ride home and when we got home the kids went right into their rooms put on the pj's and went to sleep it wasn't even 8pm, it was great they are so well behaved! So then Megan and Gabe and I watched tv and chatted and off to bed we went. Then we woke up this morning and got ready for the party.. Here are some pictures of the party and the birthday princess!!

My mom, Kinzie and I



Seriously how precious is she?

The 4 KRB's and my godson Kaden, hates his picture taken that is why his head is down, I love it, because that is totally his personality!

Can you stand how sweet she is?

Her ladybug cake!

Her very own cake!

Kinzie eating her cake!

It was a great time, I had a lot of fun playing with the kids, and having some adult talk time. I had a fun time with my mom, we stopped at the casino and played for a bit. The weather rocked, it was cold and rainy! I can't wait to go spend time again with the kids and Megan and Gabe of course!

Hope, Faith & Love

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

This first week in April marks many milestones for many people who's blogs I follow, Baby Stellan is still in and out of SVT, they are more then likely sending him to Boston for an ablation, something that isn't typically done on infants, so please continue to pray for him.

Sweet baby James turned 2 this first week in April. Another blog that I follow, Audrey Caroline their sweet angel turned 1 yesterday. A new blog that I just began to follow is April Rose her mommy is pregnant with her now, 33 weeks pregnant, she is a single, Christian and is battling the prejudice of the world, as they judge her for being a single mommy. However what people don’t see when they look at her is, that her baby has fatal anomalies, and her doctors encouraged her to abort her baby, however she has chosen to carry her sweet April Rose, until the Lord feels it’s time for her to deliver her. Please keep all these families in your prayers as we pray this Holy Week.

We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield.
In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust His holy name.
May Your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in You.
Psalms 33: 20-22

Last Friday I met an old friend J, for lunch who I haven't seen in over 7 years. It was great catching up, then another friend of ours met up with us and we went to the casino, well lunch turned into all day hanging out, and before long we had a few other of our old friends all coming over to the house for an impromptu get together. It was so much fun getting together and catching up!




Well we all got together AGAIN this weekend, J came back to town and we all went to Texas Roadhouse for dinner then out to San Tan Flatts! It's great to get together and see how far everyone has come in the last 7 years, as they were all graduating high school 7 years ago! I am very proud of all of their accomplishments, they are all so grown up now!

All sorts of things are on my mind... The purpose of the blog is to be an online journal so to speak, but sometimes, somethings can't be said out loud...

Somethings are just better kept inside....

Why are some people so hard to read? Why are some people so mysterious? If you feel something or are thinking something, why not just say it?

I think that things happen for a reason, I definitely believe that, and timing is everything... It's a little ironic, that I have been missing my old friend lately, and yet my 2 other close friends have resurfaced... It's good timing, because it's about now, that I need that good dose of reality that they usually give me.

Why is it somethings seem like such a good idea while your in the midst of doing it, then you later look back and think what was I thinking?

I used to always say I NEVER had regrets, only "learning opportunities", however now I can say I have regrets... My regret is hurting someone I cared a lot about, and sometimes even a hand written note at 0500, can't make things better...

I know this post seems all over the place, but what's important is it makes sense to those who know what I'm talking about, but more importantly me..

I think that sometimes, I can be too honest and that puts me out there on the line to be hurt, as well as to hurt others... But sometimes, I think that people who are mysterious and hold things back, they can cause hurt too....

I have about 5 different posts running through my head as I write this 1..... Hmmmm maybe I need to slow down........ Maybe it's just time to "sleep on it"....

Today is sweet angel James birthday. James is the big brother of Miss Giovanna. He would be turning 2 years old today! Say a little prayer for his mommy and daddy as they rejoice in the health and life our our princess girl Gia, and mourn the loss of their sweet baby boy. It is through sweet baby James, that I became so close to his parents, who knew how his brief life would completely change the lives of so many. I am so blessed and honored to have shared the experience of the the loss of their angel baby with them. He forever has left an imprint on my heart.