Compilation of thoughts....

Today is December 1st, it's been an interesting 2 days because I've had a lot on my mind, and I have been keeping to myself, and incidentally not feeling well, which dawned on me tonight, maybe I'm not feeling well because of the things on my mind... Thanksgiving was amazing, and I felt so blessed to be at home with my family. For those of you who are my close friends, you know how horrible Thanksgiving was last year with him, and having to go to his home in Michigan, it was pretty crummy, in hindsight however, I learned a very valuable lesson. I guess thinking about last year and the holidays got me to start thinking about what an eventful year I have had.

I have had a lot of people come in and out of my life, and I can sit here now and say it is a titch sad however I can understand that it is for the best. Something I most recently realized, is I can't be upset with someone for not being who I thought they were when in reality I created who they were in my mind.... In my mind I created this wonderful Christian, church going, God fearing, faithful person when in reality, that person wasn't real... Therefor I struggle to morn the loss of that relationship because I actually am wondering if that relationship was real or not.. So I am at a place where I keep saying, I know I should be sad, mad, glad etc it's over but I have none of those emotions.

I have never EVER lived with regrets in my life, but something I have been pondering the past few days, did I let people influence me to do something that perhaps it wasn't the right time to do? I let a few of my "friends" at the time convince me to make some major life changes, now I am to sit back alone and wonder, where are those people now? If they were so vested in my life that many months ago, why aren't they a part of my life now, as I live with the results?


I spent most of yesterday sleeping because I couldn't sleep Friday night. Once I had the house to myself I cleaned the house and decorated the house. It was a bittersweet moment for me because as some of you know from last year, I really really wanted to do the theme of my Christmas tree red and silver. We have always had themes to our trees, and it was time to purchase a new tree and change themes, so after much MUCH debate, I compromised and he won and we did a bright colorful tree (BLAH) not what I wanted.. I knew I would be buying a house within the year and so I had been stockpiling red things for the new house, kitchen towels, rugs, pillows, candles, measuring cups etc. So anyhow, because I couldn't justify donating all new stuff so soon, I decided to keep the tree and the colorful stuff, and put it up last night... So sure there are a few memories tied to him with it, but what can I do right? Next year I will have the tree of my dreams, with red and silver ornaments and trimmings! I actually am really excited to hit the sales this year the day after Christmas and buy all the RED and SILVER stuff I can :)

After decorating with what I had, I needed to run out to Kohls and to Walmart to finish off the downstairs bathroom, it's pretty fun to have a "theme bathroom" as well, I wish I would have taken pictures of it for Halloween it was super cute, and for Christmas this year it is blue and silver snowflakes, totally adorable! On my way out the door, a very close old friend of mine called, and honestly I wasn't in the mood to talk when I heard the phone ringing, but 5 minutes into the phone call I realized it was just what I needed.. Sometimes you need a friend that is just going to talk about random stuff and not have to have the traditional, what is new, why are you sick, what is going on talk... 2 hours later he and I had talked about everything under the sun it was totally awesome, and I felt so much better!

Today, I was super nauseous all day YUCK! Even after taking Phenergan, and eating jello I couldn't shake it.. The kids put up Christmas lights outside the house, they look fabulous, and I fixed a nice dinner since The Cpl, was returning to base tonight for 2 weeks.. Still nauseous, I returned to my private living room, bundled up on the couch and watched TV. Did anyone catch the Britney Spears for the Record show? I actually feel really bad for her, it was pretty depressing to hear about her life from her perspective!

I think I have rambled on long enough.... Good night for now....